Hello again. I had debated on whether or not I wanted to post this because apparently it’s causing some distress to semi-involved parties. At the end of the day, however, the way I write is intended to be as vague as possible about those involved while still allowing me to speak my truth. And I think that this post is a particularly important accompaniment to Quality of Emotion, Part 1 because where one opens, the other closes. There is a third part which will remain behind the paywall of my Patreon however. I have actually moved its access to the $15 tier as well since it is… considerably less detached from its subject matter. Part 1 is me picking up a book to reread. Part 2 is me closing the book. Part 3 is me burning the book.
This post is from March 19, 2020. This post, as you can see, is from over a year ago! And before the world’s longest fucking year at that so, much like my last Patreon post, is not reflective of how I feel now or even really relevant to the life I’m currently living. It was suggested to me that, “I hope you plan to time-release some of these, as a drip feed, to let them know what they’re missing sometime.” So here we are. To that person’s credit, my engagement stats were great on my last Patreon post I put on here. Like I said on my last post: The person this post primarily deals with no longer interacts with me! Please leave them alone if you figure out who I’m talking about. They seem to have a nice, stable, healthy life now and they don’t deserve you harassing them. Tbh, way back in the day when I wrote a different post about them, they asked me not to write about them on this blog but uh well, this is my blog. I can write about whatever I want, lmao.
As a little addendum to this: if you don’t like what I’ve written here, no one is forcing you to read it. I try my best to be respectful and change names and leave out any major personal details unless they relate directly to me. However, if the teacher calling me “the next Columbine” couldn’t censor me, I really doubt anyone else is going to be successful in trying. If you enjoy this post, there’s plenty more where this came from at https://patreon.com/carlykaxt. I have five posts related to polyamory, several of which are available at the $1 tier. The $5 tier unlocks all of my writing (except for this series’ final installment, part 3), and higher tiers get cool bonus goodies like monthly worksheets, stickers, and a copy of my upcoming booklet.
In the particularly frightening times that we’re living in right now, I crave distraction more than ever. This is when the Unattainable Interest becomes extremely relevant – if I have someone to text during the long hours that Nicholas is at work, secretly flirt with, send nudes to, then my time is absorbed by them as opposed to worrying about things I can’t control.
The only problem? I am without an Unattainable Interest right now.
A long, meandering conversation with my husband ended up revealing what was bubbling under the surface between Ash and I about a month ago now. And when that happened, suddenly my fascination with him was gone. I woke up the next morning as if hungover, reliving the delusions that had brought me to the point of declaring my love for him somewhat publicly on the internet. All at once, in the cold light of day, I had to face the realization that I had yet again manufactured something that wasn’t all that deep.
I wish I could say that the next time we spoke, I told him the truth and ended any kind of romantic relationship with him. I did not. I still haven’t. I probably never will. Long gone are the days of overdramatic confessions of my shifting emotion; partially because I’ve finally learned that my feelings change so rapidly that any sort of declaration fails to really hold any water, as they say. Instead, our exchanges have tapered off gradually, suffering a slow sort of decay that one doesn’t really notice until suddenly it starts to smell. We haven’t quite reached that point, though a slight odor is beginning to make me wrinkle my nose.
Although logically I knew the truth of our situation following my late-night confession session with Nicholas, I still hadn’t fully accepted it in my heart until just recently. Somehow, against all odds, fate had put us both in the state of California at the same time. I didn’t necessarily think there’d be a full-blown revival of our love but I found myself fantasizing about a sort of movie trailer, sunlight-streaked adventure through Los Angeles, ending with us breathlessly standing in front of the Pacific’s endless horizon. Hours of holding back from one another would crumble at the feet of our racing hearts, hands trembling as we closed the gap between us uncertainly, then electricity jolting down to my very toes as our lips touched.
Then it rained. And rained, and rained, and rained. We postponed our plans. Suddenly we had a deadline – he had to be back in Michigan sooner rather than later. Then the weekend before we were to see one another, Nicholas got travel orders. Albuquerque by Monday. Any daydream of seeing Ash was suddenly dust. I found myself simultaneously relieved and mournful. I knew that I was in love with a fantasy. I still wanted to see that fantasy through. The choice had been taken away from me and honestly, it was for the best.
The other night, I dreamt that I had driven the thirteen hours to LA to spend Ash’s last day in California with him: snuggling in the backseat of a car; listening to music; the wind rushing through my hair as we swerved on the 405; watching the sunset over the ocean. It ended climatically with a very stereotypical romantic comedy-esque airport goodbye. A long, deep kiss followed by me watching him board the plane as if security wasn’t a thing that existed.
Upon waking, I knew that this was my subconscious finally putting our relationship to rest. No longer would it rise from its freshly tilled grave like some sort of love zombie. Who knows, though. Maybe my fickle heart will tap out a Quality of Emotion, Part III. I certainly didn’t expect a revival of our relationship this past year but I’ve since learned to never discount my ability to develop an illogical emotional attachment to inappropriate people. It’s somewhat of a talent of mine.
So now that Ash is out of the picture, what’s next for my bored heart? I really don’t know. I do have a boy crawling in my DMs that I could easily play with but perhaps it’s the ease of it that leaves me uninterested. Maybe I’ve just grown up a bit and decided to find other, more productive distractions. Nahhhh. I just haven’t found a worthy Unattainable Interest. To be quite honest, I think part of it is my disinterest in men other than my husband. I’m so bored of getting the same three variations of nudes – “welp here’s my dick”, “oh look I’m cumming wasn’t that abrupt”, and “I’ve decided to incorporate my face and/or body in a vague attempt to do something different”. I’m bored of the same progression: I’m Such A Cool Guy; I Like Your Genitals; Sudden Vulnerability; You’re My Muse; JK There’s Another Woman; Wait, Can I Still Get Nudes When I’m Bored?
For all that I know this would be the same sort of progression with a woman but at least there’d be titties involved. Wait… does that make me the fuckboi in this hypothetical future? Oh well. The emotionally mature conclusion of this post would be swearing off of an Unattainable Interest but let’s be realistic here, that just ain’t me.
I’ll let y’all know first if I get lucky. But maybe now is the time more than ever for a digital affair. I need a digital ’cause when it’s physical I end up alone. Alright, that’s enough Halsey quotes for one day. Love you. Stay safe.