The moment that pulled the trigger on my panic disorder was an intense trip on 2C-B (a research chemical similar to LSD). Life hack: if you have to snort the psychedelic, don't.
Author: carlykaxt
The product of childhood neglect; a pretty accurate Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis; a Theravada Buddhist revelation; and an intense desire to express, create, connect: I am carlykaxt. Stay a while and listen.
(2020) Quality of Emotion, Part 2
The other night, I dreamt that I had driven the thirteen hours to LA to spend Ash's last day in California with him: snuggling in the backseat of a car; listening to music; the wind rushing through my hair as we swerved on the 405; watching the sunset over the ocean. It ended climatically with a very stereotypical romantic comedy-esque airport goodbye. A long, deep kiss followed by me watching him board the plane as if security wasn't a thing that existed.
(2020) Non-monogamy; or, how it was being married but dating other people at the same time
About a year ago, I had a husband and a boyfriend. They both knew about one another and I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. Except for when my husband went out on a date with another woman. That day I decided to see what the barrel of a 9mm handgun tasted like.
I can’t sleep.
Why do memories glow the way real moments don't? I had dinner hours before bedtime. I turned off my PC at 8 PM. I put my phone away at 9 PM. I had great sex. I did deep breathing exercises. I listened to a hypnosis. I listened to rain. I listened to another hypnosis. At… Continue reading I can’t sleep.
Does this sound like you?
There are dishes covering every open inch of counterspace, filling the sink, stacked on the stove. Three full bags of trash are waiting to be taken out. The laundry lays crumpled in the basket from three days ago - it's laundry day again. There's garbage strewn about the floor. The cat's bowl needs water. We're out of towels. And I can hardly get out of bed. How did it get like this?
(2019) Quality of Emotion, Part 1
The next time I visited our home town, I found myself autopilot driving to his house. I made myself turn around. The following night I locked eyes with a stranger who could have been his doppelganger. I shook myself. The next day I... thought I saw him walking down the sidewalk. So I allowed myself to zigzag up and down the streets for the duration of one song in pursuit of him. This all culminated in the fateful evening I discussed in my most recent post, featuring Google Assistant and a Venus razor refill. I shot him the classic "wyd" followed by a very embarrassing tangent.
ADHD Trait: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
I begun 2021 by having a lowkey mental breakdown. Yesterday was my first critique with my virtual writing group. My first writing critique ever in fact. I was very nervous but also excited! There's no faster way to get better at writing than to get some criticism from fellow writers. Unfortunately, having been called "prolific"… Continue reading ADHD Trait: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
So long, 2020.
Prior to the dawn of 2020, I had written about the turn of the decade and shared a thought that I think is even more relevant now than it was back then: I’m here with great news. If the “only” thing you did was survive, you’re doing great.OMG IT'S THE END OF A DECADE Should I… Continue reading So long, 2020.
MANIFEST IT
Happy Solstice, my loves! We've finally met the day where the night grows its longest just before we begin trekking back through longer and longer days. I've found myself at a place in my life where I actually don't mind the darkness, the cold, the snow like I used to in my past. Partially due… Continue reading MANIFEST IT
Did you know I have a Patreon?
For the few of you who are subscribed to me here and not on other social media networks, you may not know that I have a Patreon (what, you don't want to read my Sailor Moon tweets, see tastefully edited photos of my extremely adorable cat, Merlin, or react to my mix of memes and… Continue reading Did you know I have a Patreon?
