In the Midwest, when the sun punches through months-long grey skies and warms the earth to a tepid 48 degrees Fahrenheit, thousands of previously hibernating humans crawl out from their shelters and brave the outdoors to embrace it. We roll our car windows down, don light jackets, and ignore our bright pink faces protesting against … Continue reading One Year After My Silent Meditation Retreat
I have broken one of the only rules I have ever attempted to withhold when it comes to NaNo: don’t delete any words. After writing a paragraph that was part vomit and part garbage, I just couldn’t bring myself to try and work on my novel. Unfortunately, when it comes to distraction, I’m violently susceptible … Continue reading N O V E M B E R
As most of you know, I attended a meditation retreat earlier this year in February. It's been six months since my retreat and one of the things that made a really profound impact on me was the vegetarian diet we adhered to while on retreat. In general, the more you meditate on the interconnectedness of … Continue reading Vegetarian, pescatarian, flexitarian, nuditarian
Recently, I started taking Lexapro again a little over a year after I stopped taking them. This time last year, I had tapered off of a 20 mg prescription that I was on for about three years. When I first started taking it, my reasoning was similar to why I started it again this time: … Continue reading “I caved in” and other harmful phrases used by our internal dialogue
The past 24 hours have been... immeasurably difficult. Last night, I had a panic attack after having some very uncomfortable and never-before-felt chest pain out of absolutely fucking nowhere. I took my blood pressure and the measurement was the highest it's ever been - like, cardiac event high. This, unsurprisingly, scared the shit out of … Continue reading Barely Holding It Together
You know how people say things like, “Being The One is like being in love - you just know. Balls to bones.”
Okay, maybe the only time anyone said that was in The Matrix (or quoting The Matrix), but you get my point. Some things, you just know. And whereas the other day I was in a state of limbo re: do I really want to live or not? I’ve come to a conclusion. For now, anyway.
Yes, yes I do.
And perhaps in perfect opposite style of my last post, the way I came to this was thanks to a little help from my friends. I had thought that I had to make myself an island but my post, my video, was my one last flare being sent up, saying, “Please help me!” I didn’t expect a rescue effort. I assumed everyone was used to and sick of my shit - assuming they saw it at all. Truth be told, only one person reached out to me. But that one person was all it took.
I felt compelled to sit down and write because I’ve been more suicidal recently than I have been in some time. Last year when I was going through SSRI withdrawal and an enormous upheaval of my entire life at the same time, I was also quite suicidal. I honestly don’t remember if I addressed it directly - it would have been around the time that I started this website. That was a different flavor of nuts. That was almonds, this year it’s cashews.
Right now, I’m standing in the middle of an abandoned highway. The headlights on the horizon are unmistakable - my depression, barreling towards me at a blinding 100 mph. On the other side, a pair of tail lights are all that’s left of my anxiety, retreating into the darkness. I’m clutching a prescription for Ativan and discharge papers that say the same shit as every other time I’ve made my husband sit in a sterile room into the wee hours of the night with me - “ANXIETY DISORDER UNSPECIFIED”.
I had an exchange with my friend the other day that revealed to me how much I had grown. In life, in the past year, in general. I told them that I went to Goodwill to cheer myself up because I was depressed; then I admitted that I had driven around old locations in town that reminded me of people no longer in my life while listening to sad music so the only person to blame for my mood was me. As such, I concluded, it was entirely my responsibility to proactively pull myself out of that mindset and do something to make myself feel better.
Hello. I haven't written a new blog post in a while so I felt the need to give a little update here. Most of my writing energy has been consumed by NaNoWriMo but a part of it is also that I've been really very happy and content with my life lately. It's funny, depression/anxiety/etc was … Continue reading A Brief History of My Universe